Of feeling unmotivated, unproductive and unsatisfied | Diary #02

I have been feeling frustrated these past few days, and completely unmotivated. You know when there are so many things you want to do and you are aware of the fact that you’ll never have enough time to do everything, so you end up doing nothing at all? That has been me for weeks.

November is always the most complicated month for me. Even though I love the colder weather and darker days, it takes me a while to get used to them. Throughout all of November I always end up feeling sort of lazy, or as if someone had stolen all the energy I previously had. I find myself sitting in bed staring at the wall and hours go on like that. I know I am wasting my time, but it’s as if I can’t bring myself to do anything important. And it frustrates me so much.

Now, to be fair, it hasn’t been that bad. I have actually been studying every day from 9AM to 5PM and working really hard for university. I am trying to get through an 800-page international economics textbook, a subject that for me has always been painfully difficult. It’s all in English too, which isn’t my native language and that makes it a lot more challenging. I have to sit at my desk for hours and translate the explanations word by word and do tons of practice quizzes and exercises ((and cry)). It’s taking me forever, but I guess I am proud of my work and I hope it will bring good results when the exam session starts.

The thing is, I think I am focusing so much on studying that once I am done for the day I have no energy left for anything else. And it’s exactly what I promised myself to not do when I enrolled in my Master’s degree two months ago. I wanted to find a balance between my duties and my interests, find a way to be more organized and productive so that I didn’t have to sacrifice too much of my other passions (blogging, for instance, but also reading, going on walks). And this is where I know I am failing: finding a balance. I know if I give up hours of study I will feel anxious and panic that I am not doing enough. But I also know if I continue on like this I will feel frustrated and unsatisfied until, well, next summer probably.

Today is Monday. Most people generally hate Mondays, but I believe it’s one of the best days of the week: it’s a new beginning, where I can try to make up for what I feel has been going wrong up to now. So, from this morning, I will try to do better. Do more, and do it well. Be more positive, and hunt for that balance I know I have lost.